~~Girlfriend Report~~
Found this on one of the jokes site. Hilarious. No offence meant to the fairer sex :)
Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New ?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a newor a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, bedetermined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
01 - 12 Years - (See note A)
13 - 16 Years - New
17 - 21 Years - Used, but not used up
22 - 35 Years - Used, heavily
36 - 60 Years - New, (See note B)
60+ - (See note A)
A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous badexperiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely beold enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on theother hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problemsworked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more thanaverage mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be anindication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will beloaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items aslarge bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appealto fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, orthe ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you shouldmake a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that someaccessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as alarge bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritualbegins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple ifdull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me orI'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leapyou, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Onceon the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The twoquestions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine thedetailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does sheremain cool?
Ordering vs. On The Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and manypotential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessorieswanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CUquestions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the babyfactory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performedat CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surroundingthe facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each productaccording to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within eachcategory, variation is not statistically significant.
Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all theoptions you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle pointsof philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what youmean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physicalhang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes withcontractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, analcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Hasmost of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong sizeor hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, andsuitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for yourlong-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't becaught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as agirlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spitefulor unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New ?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a newor a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, bedetermined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age Used or New
01 - 12 Years - (See note A)
13 - 16 Years - New
17 - 21 Years - Used, but not used up
22 - 35 Years - Used, heavily
36 - 60 Years - New, (See note B)
60+ - (See note A)
A. Seek psychiatric help
B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous badexperiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely beold enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on theother hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problemsworked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more thanaverage mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be anindication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Accessories
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will beloaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items aslarge bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appealto fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, orthe ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you shouldmake a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that someaccessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as alarge bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritualbegins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple ifdull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me orI'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leapyou, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Onceon the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The twoquestions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine thedetailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does sheremain cool?
Ordering vs. On The Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and manypotential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessorieswanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CUquestions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the babyfactory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Methodology
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performedat CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surroundingthe facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each productaccording to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within eachcategory, variation is not statistically significant.
Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all theoptions you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle pointsof philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what youmean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physicalhang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes withcontractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, analcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Hasmost of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong sizeor hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.
Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, andsuitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for yourlong-term girlfriend needs.
Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't becaught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as agirlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spitefulor unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
posted by @n at 6:55 AM
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